Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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