Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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