She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Dick very happy bro
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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