if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
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drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
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wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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