I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
