If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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