Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
