Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
