My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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