I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
How does one acquire holy water?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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