We won't sleep together?
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
