explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
