He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
