im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
