i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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