tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
