woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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