3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
