You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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