You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
