oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
