he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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