My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
