He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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