So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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