evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Randomize
