My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
So squirting runs in the family.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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