you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Randomize
