You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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