You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
