You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
