I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
