i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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