somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize
