Your mouth is God's brothel.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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