I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
