I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
