Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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