You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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