you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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