I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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