a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
