Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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