I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
