I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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