I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
