How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
