Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
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she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
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How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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