Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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