you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
