I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
