Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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