There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize