im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
there's paper in my vomit.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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