I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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