I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
