That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You took a bar mat shot.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
